Here's my first wrestling article in nearly two months. Enjoy.
I may not be writing as often as I used to anymore but that’s because of time, not because of my lack of interest in doing it. I still play video games, listen to music, watch football games and watch wrestling. I just don’t often get the chance to jot my thoughts down on anything anymore, which is a shame. But in the wrestling world, one of the most intriguing, most entertaining, and most unpredictable storylines in recent memory is the program that’s occurring between Kane and Daniel Bryan.
I’m a huge Kane fan. I have been for a long time. And while Daniel Bryan individually is by far my favourite wrestler at the moment, and has been for about half a year now, this article is actually in homage to Kane. You see, Kane is a character and wrestler who is always overlooked by both his peers and the younger talent. Back in the late nineties, there were far more popular wrestlers than Kane. He was a medium fish in a huge tank in those days, in comparison arguably larger fish in The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Mankind and The Undertaker. Then when that tank got smaller, new talent were still considered bigger fish; Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit. Then the new breed came in when the fish tank was getting smaller still; John Cena, Randy Orton, Edge, Jeff Hardy, Brock Lesnar and now CM Punk. At this time Kane’s medium sized fish was shrinking. He was getting older, slower, less interesting.
One thing they tried to keep Kane’s character fresh was take Kane’s mask off. This was a huge angle. I never thought they’d get Kane to take his mask off; it was key to his character and a fundamental part of his look. Kane was supposedly burnt in a fire as a kid so the idea behind the mask was to cover up his scarred face. And while Glen Jacobs, the man who portrays Kane, has a menacing look on him, it took away a huge part of Kane that made him so scary in the first place. The only reason why I’d have been happy for Kane to lose his mask was if the WWE were to actually give him the push to the top he deserved for such a long time. They never really did.
Something that always used to annoy me about the WWE was that they burderned Kane with a one day title reign for so long. I never thought he deserved to lose the title in one day, after finally getting to the top and get a win over Stone Cold Steve Austin in the process. I thought that was terrible; at the time Kane was still one of the most interesting characters on TV, even in the fruitful attitude era. He didn’t deserve that. No one does really. It’s one of the reasons why I feel sorry for Dolph Ziggler and Rey Mysterio and their terrible title reigns. What’s a bigger crime though is that it took over 12 years for him to not only get another World Heavyweight Title reign, but for him to have a good crack at the top. Kane had a decent run as champion a couple of years ago, and his program while wasn’t great, his character was pretty damn entertaining.
It's hard to remember this ever happening.
Who was he in a program with as World Heavyweight Champion? Oh yeah, some guy called The Undertaker. Kane has the unfortunate title as being an Undertaker-lite. In nearly every way possible, Kane is inferior to The Undertaker. He’s a big guy like The Undertaker, but in the ring he can’t compare to Big Evil. The Undertaker is unparalleled when it comes to big guys and their ability in the ring. He’s untouchable. Kane however, is a damn good wrestler, for a man of 7 feet and 320 pounds; he can fly across that ring and put on a very good show. His moveset is distinctive despite him sharing his finishers with The Undertaker. On the microphone, The Undertaker, when on form, floors Kane in this respect too. Kane isn’t often given much time on the microphone, not because it’s a weakness, but because it’s against his character to talk too much. But he’s still very good; one of the highlights of the disappointing program between Kane and The Undertaker for the World title two years ago was Kane’s “reveal all” promo where he explained his plot for the title all along and how The Undertaker fell for it. That promo was gold, and he was on the microphone for a good 10 minutes then, a rarity for Kane. His character is inferior to The Undertaker’s as well; in the respect that The Undertaker’s Deadman gimmick has lasted an incredible 22 years, bar the few years as The American Bad Ass, with few tweaks here and there. Kane has had to change his character over and over again, to avoid being too similar to The Undertaker, and yet maintain the entertainment value. Kane is less popular than The Undertaker in every other way possible too; fan opinion, backstage respect and reputation, merchandise, everything. Kane is exactly that, The Undertaker-lite.
But there is one thing that Kane can revert to that The Undertaker can’t. There’s one thing that Kane has the ability to do that The Undertaker can’t even begin to compare with, and that’s the ability to be funny. You can call it an underrated trait in a wrestler, but the ability to make an audience laugh is important. It’s entertaining; it’s an often overlooked quality in a wrestler. I can give you two very easy examples to back myself up on this. The first, Santino. Santino will never be a World Heavyweight Champion. He’s not good enough in the ring, not popular enough overall with any age demographic, not even kids. But if you remember The Elimination Chamber earlier this year, Santino was amazing. He was put into the match due to a concussion to Randy Orton, he was a surprise entrance really, and no one expected him to be given the spot in the match. But how the fans reacted. They knew he had no chance of winning the Elimination Chamber. They knew he was a huge underdog. And they supported him in his underdog role. Why? Because they knew his value as a comedy wrestler. And you know what? Santino delivered big time in the Elimination Chamber. He got by far the biggest pops in that match when he dug in deep and survived to the final two in the chamber, with Daniel Bryan. It was a simple story, but if it wasn’t for Santino playing the funny guy so well now for a number of years, we wouldn’t have got that great performance from Santino.
Secondly is Daniel Bryan himself. Daniel Bryan is a great story in today’s WWE. A little indie guy who happens to be the best technical wrestler since Chris Benoit, gets his chance at glory by winning Money in the Bank, and cashes in. But he’s still one of the most entertaining wrestlers in the roster, in my opinion; he’s been the most entertaining wrestler for a good half year now. And why? Because he’s just so funny. He knows how to garner a reaction. And his in ring ability is unquestionable; it’s always been the ability to play a character that people questioned. And how he’s backed that ability up. He gets probably more time on TV than any other wrestler nowadays. It speaks volumes, it really does. And it’s the comedy element to his character that makes him stand out, even when he’s not heading into a World Title at the moment. Because he’s such a good wrestler, the true best in the world I’d say at this time, and because he’s so entertaining and funny, it’s inevitable he’ll be given that reward at the top again very soon.
I admit it, I'm a huge Brothers of Destruction mark. I have no shame.
Because Kane is immediately compared in every way to The Undertaker in everything he does, not only because he’s the storyline brother of The Undertaker, but also because he too has an evil streak, is a big guy that has a similar move set, Kane has to adjust himself in a way that’s different to The Undertaker. I think deep down Glen Jacobs knows that he’s just not as good in most ways to The Undertaker. Sometimes it’s good to accept that you’re not #1 and just be the best you can, and be better in ways others can’t. And Kane does that by being funny, in usually inappropriate or unexpected ways.
Kane has a great career in comedy segments. Because it’s not every week, every time we see him and a little unexpected when it does happen, it’s often absolutely hilarious. Kane does evil and sinister segments, he does horror slapstick segments (usually badly, take the Paul Bearer freezer storyline as an example), and he also does comedy. One of my all time favourite funny moments from Kane is when he’s preparing a six-man tag team match with The Rock and Hulk Hogan, and his partners are discussing how they’re not too sure how to deal with The Big Red Machine. Kane walks in and just tears the roof off with his amazing impressions of The Rock and Hulk Hogan, hulking up, posing, everything. It’s just brilliant. It came out of nowhere and was just one of my favourite segments ever. What about the celebratory Santino trumpet segment from last year? Kane was just turning into a good guy but wasn’t quite there yet at the time, and was in an eight-man tag team match with Santino, Big Show and Vladmir Kozlov; his three partners start doing the trumpet celebration and Kane just stands there in disgust. Then all of a sudden he just starts joining in. It’s just moments like that that Kane can get away with, in a way that The Undertaker can’t, and he’s just so good at it.
Which brings me to his current program with Daniel Bryan. I truly believe that the paring of these two unexpectedly funny guys wasn’t planned long term. I believe everyone thought they’d have a program that ended with Daniel Bryan being put over by Kane to the top again, because Kane has spent long periods of his career putting smaller wrestlers over, which is another trait he’s better than The Undertaker at. But the segments have been just so funny consistently over the last couple of months that they’ve started to pair them and even gave them the Tag Team Titles. The Tag Team Titles were almost inevitably being readied for Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara to the point that the writing was pretty much engrained on the belt, but with Kane and Daniel Bryan working so well together with their fantastic chemistry, plans have changed. And while Daniel Bryan is a really big part of why this team is so successful on TV, Kane needs more credit in his role.
The "hug it out" segment was comedy gold.
That’s the purpose of this article. To pay homage to Kane, something that isn’t done enough. Sure, there have been better wrestlers than Kane, in many different ways; in ring ability, on the microphone, everything. I’m not taking anything away from these wrestlers. I’m not taking anything away from The Undertaker, who in most ways is better than Kane. I prefer The Undertaker to Kane myself. But Kane is just not praised enough for the role he’s done consistently since 1995. That’s fifteen years service. He’s a scary monster, he’s a big wrestler but can wrestle really well, he’s decent on the microphone, he’s put more smaller wrestlers over in that time than most other wrestlers (Chris Jericho may trump, but I doubt many others do in the past 15 years). But he’s also a very, VERY funny guy. I don’t know if it’s Glen Jacobs the man who has decided that comedy segments are good for his character, or if it’s Vince McMahon, or multiple other people over the years that have created storylines for him, but it works. It’s always worked. And Kane, I thank you for your fantastic work throughout your career. You’ll always be one of my favourite wrestlers. And one more thing Kane, I really, truly, deeply hope you enjoyed Disneyland. Thanks for reading.
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Note:
This is part 2 of 6. I'm posting one part a day. The total word count
exceeds 31,000 words so it's going to be a long read. If you missed part 1 you can read it by clicking here!
So
here I was! My audition about to start! 45 seconds that could change my life!
The
first 30 seconds were absolutely crap. I said nothing inspirational, nothing
interesting, and nothing that made me stand out. What did I say? I basically
said that I’d never been abroad and never had the opportunity to do anything
wild and crazy like this and I feel that’s why I should have a chance. I
gibbered on about my age, my job and my interests – nothing. About 30 seconds
into the audition the researcher dressed up as an Egyptian (who Maisie revealed
to me was her! Maisie was pretty much given the reins for my episode of Winter
Wipeout behind Andy the producer) and she asked “so who do you represent?”
And
then I said it. “I’m representing all men with beards, there are not enough
bearded men out there and I’m going to represent them.”
I
saw a little smile come from the researcher and she extended to a pile of
little blue cards. On the table were two sets of cards, red and blue. If you
got a red, you were told to go through one door and blue lead to the other. It
was proper Matrix stuff but with paper instead of pills. She gave me a little
blue card, thanked me and pointed to the door. I slowly walked in that
direction, and saw the other three random people at the audition. I went to the
door, and one other person, a girl, followed me. The other two audition people
went through the other door with a red card. So it was 50/50, two of us failed
and two of us succeeded.
I
honestly, genuinely felt crap. I felt I blew my chance. I didn’t think I
auditioned well and I didn’t say anything interesting until the end, and I felt
it was too late by then. I went through the door with the other girl who also
had a blue card. On the other side of the door was a bouncer. She was a large
lady with brown hair and looked like she was in her forties. She was quite
intimidating to look at but I saw her earlier when I walked in and she seemed
nice. She took our blue cards and said:
“Thank
you for coming but unfortunately you MADE IT THROUGH YOUR AUDITION!”
My
heart dropped and me and this girl looked at each other as if to say “are you
serious?!” We were then told to go up the stairs where we would find out what
happens next. I honestly couldn’t believe it. I had all my eggs in the
pessimistic basket and was going to take my coat and go home. But if it wasn’t
for my, arguably, unexpected response to who I was representing, I’m convinced
I wouldn’t have had the adventure of a lifetime. If Maisie the Egyptian never
asked me that question, I never would have mentioned my beard. But then that
was it. I knew I was onto something. I knew what I had to do.
The Winter Wipeout beard. The reason I got on TV!
I’m
not an athlete. I’m an aspiring journalist who’s overweight. I’m a little
unconventional, especially my sense of humour. I’ve always had a beard, since
the age of 12 or 13. I had a decent sized beard on my person then, and it got
me to the next stage of my audition. I’m not saying I’m boring, but if they
wanted someone that stood out, then I knew that my general odd self would be
enough of a personality to carry me far, and that my ‘beard’ would have to be
my gimmick. The person at that audition and the person you saw on television is
me, but with the volume turned to 11 and who talks of beards a lot. I knew I
was onto something and I needed to emphasise on this aspect of myself if I
wanted to progress.
The
second part of the audition took forever. At that point there were about 90 of
us, less than a third of the people who started. We had to fill in details
similar to that was found in our actual application form. Also included on the
form were all the dates of the filming. They were filming from early October
until the middle of November. They wanted to know what selection of 8 shows we
could take part in, from those dates above. I chose anything but the first two
shows as they both clashed with my daughter’s birthday, the 11th
October. The other six shows were fine, as well as the final (the champion of
champions show). The 90 or so people were then split into three groups, who
then took part in the second part of the audition. My group, once again, was
the last group, a recurring theme in my adventures with Winter Wipeout. The
second part of the audition took forever to happen for this reason. I was
probably cooped upstairs for around two hours, waiting for nothing to happen.
My
wife called me not long into these two hours and asked for my progress. When I
told her I got through she screamed down the phone in excitement. I told her to
calm down as I was still a long way from even thinking of getting on that show.
I kept my feet on the ground the whole time. Secretly though I was gaining
confidence, as I started to realise that what I was doing was working and I was
exactly the oddball the researchers were looking for.
A
lot of the people at the audition started making friends with each other. I
didn’t really do this, not because I’m antisocial or anything, but purely
because I didn’t know what to say, and not many people spoke to me. It’s
disappointing as the other nineteen people on my show talk of seeing people
they recognise on the other episodes of Winter Wipeout this season. I can only
say I vaguely recognise one person, although I’m not entirely sure if it was
the same person or not. But still, I was concentrating on what was to come. I
still didn’t know what was going to happen. In the email we were told to bring
appropriate clothing for doing exercise so I brought some shorts and trainers
in a bag.
Finally
after around two hours our group were told to go downstairs. Downstairs we
gathered in the waiting room that we previously walked through to get to the
corridor leading to the gymnasium. Two researchers gathered us there; one of
them was Nick, one of the main researchers who I then got to know in Argentina.
Nick is a tall, slender man, a very attractive dude to the masses I’m sure, and
he’s probably in his mid to late twenties. I can’t remember seeing the other
researcher, another guy, again. But Nick was there and talked to us.
Nick
basically congratulated us on getting this far and explained a few things. He
talked of the health and safety aspect of things again, and some basic details
on the trip to Argentina. He explained that this was Winter Wipeout, the
spin-off with a wintery theme but that the big red balls were still going to be
on the show (which lead to a cheer from everyone). He gave details on what
would happen next. What happened next was the physical part of the audition,
followed by a final interview with two researchers in front of a camera. Nick
told us that if we heard from the team after the audition, we were one step
away from going to Argentina. As I said, there was a long way to go; there were
90 people left in this audition, and there were other auditions across the
country. I still had work to do.
I
got changed into my shorts and trainers before we went into the gymnasium. The
curtain was now moved back and the gym was used in its entirety. Towards the
left of the gym was what looked like some gym equipment set up to do a course.
Before we got to that though someone in the gymnasium put us through a warm up
process. This warm up process was quite basic, but as someone who doesn’t do
regular exercise, it took a lot out of me! It felt like ten minutes of running
around the gymnasium, side stepping, jumping, doing kick-ups and touching the
floor with either the left or right hand. As I said it was basic but after a
while, man, I was tired. I tried not to show it as much as possible to increase
my chances as there was someone filming the whole thing. It really dawned on me
how close I could be to appearing in Argentina; the fact that they were filming
us doing exercise showed that. After the warm up process finished, we all
gathered to the left of the gymnasium, not far from the course that was set up.
A small blonde researcher talked to us as a group and explained what was going
to happen. Basically we had to do a small interview in front of the camera
about why we applied to appear on Total Wipeout, anything interesting about
ourselves and at the end, a shout-out. If you’ve not watched Total Wipeout
before, a shout-out is basically something that you say at the top of the
Wipeout course before you take it on. Mostly shout-outs are cocky, odd or
funny, and usually rhyme. I hadn’t thought of a shout-out yet! After the little
interview we would do this mini course that was set up.
This
course was as basic as can be. The course was so much easier than that warm up,
which was odd! The course was basically a walk on a balancing beam to the top
of a vault box, you can jump off the vault box in any way you wanted that
wasn’t too dangerous (like a somersault or something) onto a soft gym mat,
followed by a run through some cones to a flat gym mat where you had to do five
press ups. From that mat you had to jump over a pole held by two standards
(like a pole vault). The pole was at a very low height and over the pole was
another soft mat. That was it. There was no pass or fail for this physical
audition; they just wanted to make sure you could run a basic gymnasium course.
In the end if you can’t do a basic course like this you had no chance of doing
a Wipeout course, even gold medal athletes struggle with the Wipeout courses
because they’re so random and have obstacles you must face. So this was a basic
fitness test.
I
didn’t have much time to mentally digest the course however because the first
person they named was me!
I have a basic level of fitness. But doing the Winter Wipeout course is not basic.
I
was so shocked that they announced “John Harper!” that I didn’t move. I
genuinely thought, and I’m not kidding, that there might have been a second John
Harper in the room and they alluded to him. After shaking off the initial
shock, I knew I had to do something, to make an impact. So I ran, full pelt, at
the person who called my name. She was taken aback by that and retreated
slightly. She was a small blond girl, another researcher I think, not that I saw
her again after the audition, or in Argentina. She interviewed me. She asked me
why I was there and I did an altered phrasing of what I said in the 45 second
audition earlier, emphasising that I’m representing all the overweight bearded
men out there. It got a few giggles so it was obvious that it was working. She
asked me why, and I said there are not enough men out there. I’d like to say
that this was in a room with a good 40 people in, and cameras everywhere. She
asked me what’s so good about beards, and I said that beards are just awesome,
they look good and having one means you’re a man. I just came out with the
oddest stuff in honesty, I was on the spot, I knew I had to mention beards and
I wanted to stand out, so I came out with these odd answers. But it worked,
people liked it! The other potential contestants liked me! After a few more
questions she asked me to say my shout out in front of the camera. As I said, I
never rehearsed one. So then I said:
“This
is for all the overweight bearded men out there – I’m going to show you the
way!”
It
got a nice cheer from everyone, and then I had to do the mini course. I did the
course with no issues. As I said, it was basic, and my basic fitness while
isn’t great, the course was perfect for me to show people that I can at least
move a little. I walked the balancing beam with no issues, did a star jump off
the vault box (I have the moves!), then ran through the cones as fast as I
could. Did five press-ups with decent ability (while the other potential
contestants counted as I did them) and then jumped over the pole by twisting my
body 180 degrees horizontally. I was then finished! I got a decent cheer and
got told to wait on the other side of the room. On my own. Then everyone else,
one by one, did the course.
I
sat there on my own for a few minutes while the second person did their course
and interview. I had a good think about what I had done. In all honesty, I was
very happy with that performance. It was much stronger than my 45 second
audition. I slowly felt more and more confident. Having the other people
cheering me on and reacting to my odd interview and decent looking course
attempt, it made me feel like I had a chance. I didn’t dare think I could get
on Total Wipeout, but I felt at least, that I gave it my all, and I did what I
could to get through. Very little else I could have done would have made a
difference so, if I didn’t get to appear in front of 4 million people in the
UK, it was okay, as I wasn’t right to appear.
A
few other potential contestants started to gather around me after a few
minutes. I was discretely happy, as some people struggled with their interviews
or the course. One girl was really shy and wasn’t speaking very loudly. One
guy, who was around a similar size to me from Asian descent, really struggled
with the course. I felt good. I had a little concern however, as people’s names
were being called to leave the room for the final part of the full audition. My
name wasn’t called out first, despite being the first to do the course and interview.
I was around fifth or sixth, so it made me think that either they were really
considering me, hence the long time to get to me this time round, or, they were
REALLY considering the other people before me, and I wasn’t considered.
Naturally I found out the answer later, but that was my thought at that time.
We
were lead back to the hallway that we queued up earlier, for the initial 60/45
second audition. It was me and a few other people before me, waiting by two
interview rooms. We were to get interviewed one more time, but more in depth,
and closer to a camera than before. It was a more personal interview, with only
one or two researchers. We were once again told to think about what we would
say in this interview, before going in the room.
I
spoke to some of the other people there, and the female bouncer from earlier
was with us, looking after us. We all spoke about how surreal this whole
process was and if we would actually make it through. There was a smaller Asian
lady, the wife of the Asian male I told you about earlier, who looked decent in
both interview and course. The bouncer told her that she hasn’t got anything to
worry about, as they were paying a lot of attention to her. She never said
anything to me. I don’t know if that Asian lady, or anyone else from my
audition for that matter, made it through. In the six episodes (including mine)
that I’ve seen, I’ve not seen anyone that I directly recognise.
Slowly
we all got our final interview. I went in the room, and I saw Siobhan, one of
the main researchers, and Millie, a researcher that I actually got along with
well in Argentina afterwards. It was the first time I would speak to Siobhan,
little did I know that I’d be emailing her to and forth over the next two
months, and then having an hour interview on the phone to her a week before I
went to take on the most amazing obstacle course in the world! So the first
question that was asked of me was great. Why? Because they asked about my
t-shirt! The t-shirt I told you about that would play a discrete role in my
going to Argentina! They asked what was on the t-shirt, and I explained that
it’s Vivi from Final Fantasy IX, a little black magician that I named my
daughter after. They looked odd at me, while I then lifted up my sleeve to show
them a tattoo I have of Vivi (the mage) in homage to both the character and my
daughter. I explained that I liked the name, and that I thought it would be
lovely for a little girl. They gave me looks as if to say “ah, strange but
interesting”. A bit like me really.
The
rest of that particular interview is a blur. I remember telling them about my
journalism and my website being an important part of me, and that I talk about
my four main interests on here (as you can see as you’re on it now, games,
music, wrestling and football). They liked the idea of wrestling and asked me
about it. I explained that I love wrestling, the idea of the show, the acting
and the fact that they put their bodies on the line for our entertainment. As I
said I can’t remember much of that interview, I just remember the camera being
right in my face, and that I was not to look at it but at Millie, who was
filming. It was a nice, warm interview, and I felt at ease. They thanked me for
coming and lead me out. That was it. I survived the 60/45 second audition by
the skin of my teeth, but made a pretty damn good comeback and ended the full
audition off very well. I was very very happy. I honestly looked back on that
audition with hope, but most satisfyingly, in the know that I did what I can.
If it wasn’t enough and it wasn’t to be, I wouldn’t be that gutted. As I said,
there were 90 people left in the end, and that was one audition of many that
went around the country, and many that were in London in particular. I really
didn’t think my dream of going to Argentina and doing a Total Wipeout course
would happen. My wife called me as I headed for the London Underground and I
reiterated these sentiments.
I
went to work the next day and told my work colleagues about my adventure in
London. They like me, were hopeful of my inclusion but told me to keep my feet
on the ground. They didn’t need to say that to me but I appreciated the advice,
because I did. These types of things never go in my favour anyway so I wasn’t
expecting. That is, expecting an email to arrive in my mailbox only two or
three days later!
The
email congratulated me on my audition, and announced that I had made the
shortlist! I was in absolute shock. Not only to get shortlisted, but to have
gotten the email so quickly. It was then, and only then, that I really started
to think how possible this whole thing could be. In the audition, they
emphasised on the shortlisting being “one step forward to appearing on Winter
Wipeout”. I took their words to mean, “we need to make our 160 person final list,
and then sift in any drop outs or contestants that can’t do it”. I don’t know
if I was right to take that attitude, but I don’t know how many people they
shortlisted. My guess was that if they need 160 people, their shortlisting
surely, couldn’t have been more than 250 people right? And that’s a strong
chance of appearing on the show if my estimates were close. That was my logic,
and that was the logic I went with going forward.
In
the email they told me that I needed a medical note from my doctor to clear
that I can take part in a course that consisted of running, swimming, being
knocked about my large doors, snowpies and bouncing on big red balls. That’s
not what it said but that was the gist of it. I also was allowed to get my
money back from Endemol for the paying of said certificate. I also had to get
Hepatitis A and Tetanus jabs. I had to take my passport, a photocopy of my
passport and two outfits. The outfits were the most difficult part. Why?
Because I wasn’t allowed to take my Vivi top with me.
They
said in the email package that they do not want black and while t-shirts
because they want our contestants to stand out in front of the camera. If I
wanted to bring a black or white top they’d have to know about it, and make an
exception. I emailed Siobhan about my top, and asked her if I could take it.
She said that unfortunately I couldn’t, not because of the colour scheme as it
was a top that stood out really well, but because of the image of Vivi. Vivi is
the property of Square-Enix, who makes the Final Fantasy games, so the BBC
would potentially have a copyright issue. That did annoy me slightly. The top
had got me so far, and I intended on wearing it in homage to Final Fantasy
nerds and my daughter, Vivi. More annoyingly, the top I have wasn’t made by
Square-Enix, as it was custom made independently, and purchased online. But, I
didn’t want to cause a fuss; I understood their logic and didn’t want to
challenge it as I appreciated getting as far as I did in the first place, and
didn’t want to hinder that progress.
But
it did cause me a problem – what was I going to wear now? We actually, soon
sorted that problem out. We decided that if I got officially confirmed to
appear on Winter Wipeout, that I’d get a custom made shirt. Now, most custom
messages printed on shirts are rubbish and I usually disapprove of them.
However, I was exceptionally happy with the end product of my top. The idea and
quote on my top came from a discussion I had with my wife, I think I asked her
the question spontaneously, “what’s more manly than a beard?”, and she replied
with “nothing!”, and we both laughed. I didn’t at the time think that it was
anything more than a funny quote as I intended on wearing that Vivi top. But
when we remembered the quote a few days later, we decided that it would be
awesome if it was printed on a top. We initially wanted to have “What’s more
manly than a beard?” on the front and then in big letters on the back,
“NOTHING”, but it cost more money to get a top with both sides printed, and as
I’ve pointed out earlier in this article. So, when we got thumbs up that I was
appearing on the show, we got two red shirts, and when we told the person in
the print shop why I was getting these ‘odd’ t-shirts, he gave us a small
discount. So the shirt, if you’ve not seen it properly, had this message:
WHAT’S MORE
MANLY THAN
A BEARD?
NOTHING
I
was very pleased with the t-shirts. As for the rest of the outfit, well, being
someone that doesn’t do much exercise and wears a lot of jeans, I don’t have
many pairs of shorts. In fact, I only have one pair of shorts and they were
plain black. I had a red t-shirt and I didn’t think the outfit would look that
good. Besides, plain black shorts and lots of potential falling into water and
mud, I didn’t think it was a good idea. But I did have a pair of swimming
shorts! And they were red! I hated my red swimming shorts. They’re typical
surfer shorts and I really think I look silly in them. But, combined with my
red top and my, erm, red beard, the look was perfect for a silly show like
Winter Wipeout. My wife also got me some leg warmers, not because it was cold
(it was very hot actually, Argentina in the spring, but the set was made to
look cold), but because they were red and looked like large footballer socks,
and to cover more of my pasty legs. Because they are pasty. Horrible. Well, you
can see how pale I am on the show!
The message on my shirt. It's true.
So
that was the outfit sorted, and I got my jabs. I remember the day I got my
official confirmation of being on Winter Wipeout. It was the 28th
September. I had to attend a staff meeting at 3pm and turned my mobile phone
off, like I always do when I go to meetings. The meeting was just over an hour
and I finish at 4:30pm, so I turned my phone on and saw a missed call from an
anonymous caller. Sometimes my wife calls me at work and sometimes it comes up
anonymous, despite her calling from our landline. I called her and asked her if
she called. She said she didn’t, but she had three calls to our house from
someone from Winter Wipeout. I didn’t think much of it, I was expecting a call
soon as it was said in our email that the team might be in touch to arrange an
interview soon. She said for them to call back at 5pm. The chap gave her a
number for me to call in the event that he doesn’t call me and I’m ready to chat.
My wife kept asking him, are you sure you can’t leave a message with me? What
are you calling him about? He refused to answer; he wasn’t rude, but naturally,
knowing now what he was going to tell me, he couldn’t tell the news to anyone
but the contestant himself. So, I called back at 5pm when I got in, as I was
anxious to find out about what he was calling about. It went to answer machine.
I left a message telling him I was returning his call. I called again at 5:15pm
and it went again to answer machine.
Then
at around 5:30pm, he called us. I picked up the phone and it didn’t take long
until he said.
“I’ve
got some questions for you that I need to ask. First I need to ask, would you
like to go to Argentina?”
I
paused for a second, not sure if he was announcing that I was an official
contestant, or just simply asking if I’d like to go. I asked, “Are you asking
me if I want to go to Argentina to appear on Winter Wipeout?” He replied in a
way that was a lot more obvious in intention. I looked at my wife and said “I
would love to go to Argentina!”, in which he replied “Congratulations John,
you’re going to appear on Winter Wipeout!” I thanked him and told him how much
I appreciated this amazing opportunity. I’m pretty sure I thanked him more than
once, but I was very calm on the phone. I didn’t squeal like a little girl,
thankfully that was saved until my actual appearance on the show! He needed my
passport number, and I had to get my passport to find it. As I walked to my
kitchen, my wife looked at me very excitedly; I just gave her a look that said,
“this is so surreal”. That was my actual thoughts at that time. I couldn’t
believe, I was actually about to go to do something that in a million years,
would ever happen to me. I was about to go to Argentina, a country I’d wanted
to visit since I was a young lad. I was about to take part in the Winter
Wipeout course, a variation of the Total Wipeout course, one of the hardest
looking obstacle courses I’d ever seen. I was to appear on television, on
Winter Wipeout, a show that the contestants are made to look absolutely barmy
while wearing silly outfits and saying silly things. I’d get to meet Amanda
Byram, and see how things are done first hand on the show. I’d get an
opportunity to win £10,000. I’d get mocked by Richard Hammond, an awesome
presenter on Top Gear, and a silly presenter on Total Wipeout. It was so crazy,
so unreal, and I was about to do it all!
I
gave the man all my details and he told me that I’d get called for an interview
in a few weeks, which will be about an hour long, about my interests, my
shoutout, my involvement in the show and the opportunity to ask questions. I
got my email officially congratulating me a few days later. It explained that I
would be on Episode 6, which was to be prepared from the 29th
October to the 3rd November. The whole thing would be six days long.
I’ll explain how the whole thing took a total of six days later in this
article.
First
however, I had to get leave from work. I’d like to say, in this entire
experience and anything involved in this experience, this was the hardest, the
most frustrating and most upsetting thing. You see, my wife and I got married
in June, and we took two weeks off. I didn’t even get called for audition at
that period, never mind get official confirmation of being on the show. I took
two weeks off, which was roughly half my annual leave. I also took another
holiday in September, which we had planned the year prior, which took a week
out of my annual leave. By the time it was official I was to appear on the
show, I had four days of annual leave remaining. Four days were required to
take part in the show, because thankfully, it fell on a weekend so it was
covered that way. But there was something else; I wanted to go home to North
Wales to see my family for Christmas. I hadn’t spent Christmas in Wales for
four years, and my daughter Vivi had never spent Christmas there in her life,
and she was three now. I didn’t bank on going to appear on a TV show, or go to
Argentina. So I wanted to do both, but with four days of leave left I didn’t
know what to do.
I
asked my manager to consider me taking annual leave for Winter Wipeout, and for
me to take four days leave unpaid. I think that was a reasonable request.
Apparently not, as I wasn’t considering my fellow colleagues and their leave
that they were yet to take. I wasn’t trying to be difficult, and I had
previously asked my colleagues if they were planning on taking leave for
Christmas, no one had any definite plans to do so. So I was in a bit of a rut,
because I wasn’t granted unpaid leave for Christmas. It did however sort itself
out as well as possible for everyone involved. I took my last four days leave
for this Winter Wipeout course, and I went to Wales with no leave. Thankfully
Christmas last year fell on a weekend and that meant I had both Monday and
Tuesday off. So I went to North Wales on Christmas Eve, and returned on the
Tuesday. It was a very short break, I didn’t do anywhere near as much as I
wanted, but it was enough for me to see my family, and more importantly, for
Vivi to spend her first Christmas with the Harper’s.
Back
to Wipeout, I had to a few more things to wrap everything up. I had to sign a
contract that basically said, you’re doing this course, if you hurt yourself
we’re not liable, and if you hurt yourself considerably, you’ll get
compensation for leave off work, or something like that. I signed it, and
returned the copy to them. A few weeks before we left, I had my travel
arrangements. I was to leave Portsmouth by train to Heathrow, and then a plane
from Heathrow to Madrid, and then another plane from Madrid to Buenos Aires,
Argentina. The return journey was the same but in reverse naturally. I got an
email later on to tell me to collect my prepaid tickets from my train station. I
went to collect them and noticed they were around £80. It still shook me a
little, yes it’s only £80, but that’s a lot of money to me and it dawned on me
there and then how much money that was involved in this whole thing. The plane
tickets were probably over £1000. They were to give us 300 pesos when we were
there. And that is multiplied by 20, for each contestant, and then by 9, for
the eight sets of contestants and the champions of champions edition. The
winners all get £10,000, and there are eight winners, and the champion of
champion gets another £10,000. It’s a lot of money, these figures, at least to
me it is. Obviously they probably make a lovely juicy profit off the show so
it’s peanuts to them. But to me, well, it just blew my mind.
"ME! ANGRY! WANT! FOOD!"
Our
financial situation didn’t help in preparation for Argentina either. We had to
pay a deposit on the hotel. But you had to pay by credit card, or with $100
American. Not only did we not have that sort of money, but I don’t have a
credit card, nor could I get one because of our debt. It was a frustrating
snag, one that would have been a problem if it wasn’t for my roommate, another
fellow contestant, who trusted me enough and paid for both of us with his
credit card. Obviously I didn’t trash the hotel room, so he got the full
deposit back. But it was nice of him to trust me so early on, he didn’t have to
do that and it was his money on the line in the end. My plan would have been to
use a debit card, and that being used abroad would have been a potential
problem, but it was the only method I could do. I didn’t want to get $100
American as I didn’t have any use of it afterwards.
I’d
like to emphasise that while my performance was atrocious (in my opinion), I
did lose a lot of weight. I don’t know
how much I lose but it could have been two stone. I did a lot of cycling, over
four hours a week, and I tweaked my foods for healthier and less fattening
options. I eat a lot – I love my food, and while my diet wasn’t the best, it
was a significant difference for when I was losing weight. I cycled to work to
save money, not to prepare for Winter Wipeout, but when I passed the audition
stage I did change my diet in the potential preparation for the event. I was
very happy with my weight loss. I haven’t kept it up since I finished Winter
Wipeout though, while I’m terribly overweight I’m not that bothered long term
about losing weight. Keeping fit is something different though, and it’s
something long term I’d like to think about doing.
Around
a week before leaving for Argentina I had my interview. I can’t remember who I
was supposed to have my interview with, but it ended up being with Siobhan.
Personally I was really happy about this because I’d been emailing her back and
forth for weeks and she seemed really nice. I upset her not long into the
interview when I asked her if she was at her audition and I struggled to
remember her being there! After delving into the back of my brain I remembered
her being the cheerleader, who was asking me questions on camera at the end of
the audition with Millie.
We
spoke on the phone for an hour. It was a really nice discussion. We spoke about
Argentina, Winter Wipout, and a lot about me and my life. I was very honest and
open about my life. I spoke about us as a family leaving my dad because of the abuse
he gave us our entire lives up to that point, I spoke about my website, and my
interests in music, football, video games and wrestling. She was interested in
my hobby of wrestling, presumably because it’s one that’s a bit odd and
flamboyant, as well as a physical activity that’s not overdone on television
like football. She wanted to know if I could do some actual wrestling in which
I told her I couldn’t, but I could do random wrestling poses, like Hulk Hogan,
The Rock and Randy Savage style. We then spoke about my weight loss, which went
into a discussion into my tastes in food. If you know me personally, you’ll
know that my diet is absolutely dreadful. I told her that it was only January
2010 that I reluctantly eat vegetables and fruit, and therefore my nutrition is
tremendously poor. She absolutely loved that, as it’s an oddity I suppose, I
love my meat and my potatoes, but hate my veg. The conversation ended after
around an hour and it was the last time I was to speak to Siobhan, which was a
shame as she was really awesome, I’d have loved to have met her in Argentina,
but we had someone else. That being said, the three finalists of our show got
Siobhan on the champion of champions edition you’ll see at the end of the
series.
And that was pretty much it! Everything was set for me to go to Argentina!
Want to know what the flight was? And my thoughts on meeting the other contestants for the first time? Come back here tomorrow to find out in Part 3 of 6 of My Winter Wipeout Experience!
If you haven't seen it yet you can see my performance, which was edited by Episode 5 contestant Gemma Murdock below!
You can read part 3 here, part 4 here and part 5 here and part 6 here!
For the latest updates on my work, 'like' me on Facebook here!
Hey
there I hope you had a good Christmas. Round 2 for my WWE World Champion Knockout Game came to an end today. For the
last week I've been asking for your votes on who make the best World
Champions and I've had tallies going on this site, and two other forums.
I can now reveal the results.
The Pedigree Bracket
(1) Triple H vs (4) Vince McMahon - Triple H wins 19 votes to 2. (2) Christian vs (6) Chris Benoit - Chris Benoit wins 10 votes to 8.
The Sweet Chin Music Bracket
(1) John Cena vs (4) Rob Van Dam- John Cena wins 13 votes to 8. (2) Shawn Michaels vs (6) Eddie Guerrero - Shawn Michaels wins 17 votes to 4.
The Jackhammer Bracket
(1) Edge vs (4) Alberto Del Rio- Edge wins 20 votes to 1. (2) Bob Backlund (3) Jeff Hardy - Jeff Hardy wins 13 votes to 8.
The Brogue Kick Bracket
(1) The Rock vs (4) Sheamus- The Rock wins 20 votes to 1. (2) Bret Hart vs (3) Rey Mysterio - Bret Hart wins 17 votes to 4.
The Chokeslam Bracket
(1) Randy Orton vs (4) Booker T- Booker T wins 16 votes to 5. (2) CM Punk vs (3) Big Show - CM Punk wins 18 votes to 3.
The Tombstone Piledriver Bracket
(1) The Undertaker vs (4) Sycho Sid- The Undertaker wins 19 votes to 2. (2) Batista vs (3) Kane -Kane wins 12 votes to 9.
The Codebreaker Bracket
(1) Hulk Hogan vs (5) The Iron Shiek- Hulk Hogan wins 16 votes to 5. (2) Chris Jericho vs (6) Andre the Giant - Chris Jericho wins 17 votes to 4.
The Stone Cold Stunner Bracket
(1) Stone Cold Steve Austin vs (4) Ric Flair- Stone Cold Steve Austin wins 20 votes to 1. (2) Kurt Angle vs (3) Randy Savage - Kurt Angle wins 11 votes to 10.
The biggest shock of the round when it comes to seeding are the eliminations of Christian, a #2 seed which lost to #6 seed Chris Benoit. We also have our first #1 seed elimination, with Randy Orton losing to #4 seed Booker T.
Just a reminder, that picture above is who is pairing off
against who, the bracket number they have and the total amount of titles they
have won.
To vote, vote or comment below, or message me on my Facebook page, my Twitter, or email me.
Now that mumbo jumbo is out of the way, here's Round 3! Round 4, the Quarter Finals, will be posted on Friday 6th January.
Round 3
*Voting Closed*
The Pedigree Bracket (1)Triple H vs (6)Chris Benoit
The Sweet Chin Music Bracket (1)John Cena vs (2)Shawn Michaels
The Jackhammer Bracket (1)Edge vs (3)Jeff Hardy
The Brogue Kick Bracket (1)The Rock vs (2)Bret Hart
The Chokeslam Bracket (2)CM Punk vs(4)Booker T
The Tombstone Piledriver Bracket (1)The Undertaker vs (3)Kane
The Codebreaker Bracket (1)Hulk Hogan vs (2)Chris Jericho
The Stone Cold Stunner Bracket (1)Stone Cold Steve Austin vs (2)Kurt Angle
*Voting Closed*
To
summarise, to vote, you can list your preferred champions in the polls above. But I can also accept votes elsewhere, you
can vote on my Facebook, my Twitter or via email. Votes will be tallied and Round 4, The Quarter Finals will be posted on Friday 6th January. Happy voting!
For the latest updates on my work, 'like' me on Facebook here!
Hey there, welcome back to my WWE World Champion Knockout Game. For the last week I've been asking for your votes on who make the best World Champions and I've had tallies going on this site, and two other forums. I can now reveal the results.
The Pedigree Bracket
(1) Triple H vs (8)
Montel Vontavious Porter - Triple H wins 29 votes to 0. (4) Vince McMahon vs (5) Jack Swagger - Vince McMahon wins 15 votes to 11. (2) Christian vs (7) John
"Bradshaw" Layfield- Christian wins 15 votes to 10. (3) Mankind vs (6) Chris Benoit- Chris Benoit wins 14 votes to 12.
The Sweet Chin Music Bracket
(1) John Cena vs (8) Drew McIntyre- John Cena wins 18 votes to 6. (4) Rob Van Dam vs (5) Mark Henry- Rob Van Dam wins 21 votes to 4. (2) Shawn Michaels vs (7) The Great Khali- Shawn Michaels wins 25 votes to 0. (3) Brock Lesnar vs (6) Eddie Guerrero- Eddie Guerrero wins 14 votes to 10.
The Jackhammer Bracket
(1) Edge vs (8) R-Truth- Edge wins 24 votes to 0. (4) Alberto Del Rio vs (5) Bobby Lashley- Alberto Del Rio wins 18 votes to 5. (2) Bob Backlund vs (7) The Miz- Draw, 12 votes each. By default of seeding, Bob Backlund goes through. (3) Jeff Hardy vs (6) Goldberg- Jeff Hardy wins 13 votes to 10.
The Brogue Kick Bracket
(1) The Rock vs (8) Daniel Bryan - The Rock wins 19 votes to 3. (4) Sheamus vs (5) Buddy Rodgers- Sheamus wins 19 votes to 3. (2) Bret Hart vs (7) Dolph Ziggler - Bret Hart wins 16 votes to 6. (3) Rey Mysterio vs (6) Diesel- Rey Mysterio wins 14 votes to 8.
The Chokeslam Bracket
(1) Randy Orton vs (8) Wade Barrett- Randy Orton wins 18 votes to 4. (4) Booker T vs (5) Ivan Koloff- Booker T wins 22 votes to 0. (2) CM Punk vs (7) Ezekiel Jackson- CM Punk wins 22 votes to 0. (3) Big Show vs (6) Sgt. Slaughter- Big Show wins 15 votes to 7.
The Tombstone Piledriver Bracket
(1) The Undertaker vs (8) Kofi Kingston- The Undertaker wins 22 votes to 0. (4) Sycho Sid vs (5) Pedro Morales- Sycho Sid wins 19 votes to 5. (2) Batista vs (7) Tommy Dreamer- Batista wins 19 votes to 5. (3) Kane vs (6) The Ultimate Warrior- Kane wins 16 votes to 7.
The Codebreaker Bracket
(1) Hulk Hogan vs (8) Cody Rhodes - Hulk Hogan wins 16 votes to 7. (4) Yokozuna vs (5) The Iron Shiek- The Iron Shiek wins 15 votes to 8. (2) Chris Jericho vs (7) Matt Hardy - Chris Jericho wins 20 votes to 2. (3) Bruno Sammartino (6) Andre the Giant- Andre the Giant wins 14 votes to 8.
The Stone Cold Stunner Bracket
(1) Stone Cold Steve Austin vs (8) John Morrison- Stone Cold Steve Austin wins 22 votes to 1. (4) Ric Flair vs (5) Stan Stasiak- Ric Flair wins 22 votes to 1. (2) Kurt Angle vs (7) Chavo Guerrero- Kurt Angle wins 21 votes to 0. (3) Randy Savage vs (6) Billy Graham - Randy Savage wins 21 votes to 1.
All the 'non-champions' have been eliminated out of the game. I suppose the "shocks" of the round when it comes to seeding are the eliminations of Mankind, Brock Lesnar and Bruno Sammartino, who were all #3 seeds and lost to #6 seeds. So with all that out of the way, the brackets now look like this:
Just a reminder, that picture above is who is pairing off
against who, the bracket number they have and the total amount of titles they
have won.
To vote, vote or comment below, or message me on my Facebook page, my Twitter, or email me.
Now that mumbo jumbo is out of the way, here's Round 2! Round 3 will be posted on Friday 30th December.
Round 2
*Voting Closed*
The Pedigree Bracket
(1) Triple H vs (4) Vince McMahon (2) Christian vs (6) Chris Benoit
The Sweet Chin Music Bracket
(1) John Cena vs (4) Rob Van Dam (2) Shawn Michaels vs (6) Eddie Guerrero
The Jackhammer Bracket
(1) Edge vs (4) Alberto Del Rio (2) Bob Backlund (3) Jeff Hardy
The Brogue Kick Bracket
(1) The Rock vs (4) Sheamus (2) Bret Hart vs (3) Rey Mysterio
The Chokeslam Bracket
(1) Randy Orton vs (4) Booker T (2) CM Punk vs (3) Big Show
The Tombstone Piledriver Bracket
(1) The Undertaker vs (4) Sycho Sid (2) Batista vs (3) Kane
The Codebreaker Bracket
(1) Hulk Hogan vs (5) The Iron Shiek (2) Chris Jericho vs (6) Andre the Giant
The Stone Cold Stunner Bracket
(1) Stone Cold Steve Austin vs (4) Ric Flair (2) Kurt Angle vs (3) Randy Savage
*Voting Closed*
To
summarise, to vote, you can list your preferred champions in the polls above. But I can also accept votes elsewhere, you
can vote on my Facebook, my Twitter or via email. Votes will be tallied and Round 3 will be posted on Friday 30th December. Happy voting!
For the latest updates on my work, 'like' me on Facebook here!
